BREAKING: Local Man Fails Witch Blood Test, Immediately Starts Googling “Can You Study Instead?”
SALEM, MA — A local man hoping to become “the real deal” in modern witchcraft was reportedly devastated Tuesday after learning he had failed what he believed was the mandatory “Witch Blood Test.”
The test, which does not exist, was allegedly administered after he spent three consecutive hours reading increasingly dubious social media posts insisting that “real witches are born, not made.”
“I knew my ancestry results were mostly British and German,” said the visibly disappointed applicant. “But nowhere did it say ‘Contains Trace Amounts of Ancient Priestess.'”
Friends say the man became concerned after encountering online claims that authentic magical ability could only be inherited through an unbroken bloodline dating back to medieval Europe, Atlantis, Lemuria, or “before the moon was fake.”
“He kept asking if O-negative blood was ‘the witch type,'” said one friend. “That’s when we knew he’d fallen into WitchTok.”
According to witnesses, the man attempted to improve his score by drinking herbal tea before the test, wearing seven crystals, and saying “blessed be” with increasing confidence.
None of these actions affected the imaginary results.
The examining technician reportedly delivered the news with practiced professionalism.
“I’m sorry,” she allegedly said while looking at a clipboard. “Your sample came back 100% capable of learning from books and practicing regularly.”
The room fell silent.
“I…I don’t understand,” whispered the man. “There has to be a mistake. My grandmother had a very intense collection of ceramic owls.”
The technician shook her head sympathetically.
“Sir, our findings indicate you possess absolutely no measurable genetic markers for being descended from Morgan le Fay, the women of Salem, Celtic druids, Egyptian temple priests, or a mysterious grandmother who ‘just knew things.'”
The report did, however, identify several noteworthy traits:
- Enjoys bookstores.
- Thinks ravens are neat.
- Has purchased more blank journals than completed journals.
- Is statistically likely to own at least one black hoodie.
- Can absolutely learn meditation if he commits to it.
Experts were quick to reassure the public that the fictional test has no scientific or magical basis.
“There is no recognized ‘witch gene,'” explained one Pagan historian. “Modern witchcraft, including many traditions of Wicca and contemporary Pagan practice, is something people learn, study, and practice. Bloodlines make for interesting family stories, but they’re not admission requirements.”
Despite this, internet rumors continue to flourish.
Within hours, self-proclaimed “DNA Shamans” began advertising premium blood screenings promising to identify “latent dragon ancestry,” “Atlantis frequencies,” and “3% Moon Priestess.”
One service reportedly offered an optional $299 upgrade to determine whether clients descended from “someone who definitely would have been burned at the stake if history had noticed them.”
At press time, the disappointed applicant had fully recovered after attending his first local Pagan meetup.
“It was weird,” he admitted. “Nobody asked for my bloodline.”
“They asked what books I’d read.”
He paused thoughtfully before adding, “Honestly…that seems like a much better test.”
