NEW ORLEANS, LA (and various bookstores in the USA) — In what sources are cautiously calling “an increasingly elaborate and mildly concerning lack of tea,” self-described warlock Christian Day has reportedly spent the better part of the past year attempting—and failing—to uncover any scandal, gossip, or even mildly questionable anecdote about fellow practitioner and author Mat Auryn.
Initial efforts, described by insiders as “reasonable and well within the bounds of petty curiosity,” allegedly began with casual inquiries at occult gatherings and metaphysical shops. “He just asked around,” said one witness. “You know, the usual—‘Have you heard anything juicy about Mat?’ People mostly responded with things like ‘He’s nice’ and ‘He meditates a lot,’ which did not help.”
Undeterred, Day escalated to what aides described as “Phase Two: Incentivized Disclosure,” quietly offering free candles, ritual oils, and what one source described as “a very persuasive store credit situation” in exchange for any verifiable tidbit. “We were prepared to accept even low-grade gossip,” said an unnamed associate. “A parking ticket. A slightly passive-aggressive email. Anything.”
When no actionable intelligence surfaced, Day reportedly pivoted to more creative methods. According to documents that may or may not have been dramatically slid across a table for effect, this included staking out book signings and conferences, attempting to read residual energy off discarded coffee cups, and commissioning what insiders called “a completely unnecessary corkboard with red string.”
“He built a whole diagram,” said a visitor. “There were photos of Mat smiling, arrows pointing to other photos of Mat smiling, and a sticky note that just said ‘WHY?’”
By late summer, sources confirm the operation had entered what one expert described as “full cinematic overreach.” Witnesses claim Day attempted a series of increasingly implausible reconnaissance techniques, including disguising himself as a delivery person, a conference attendee, and at one point, “a potted plant with commitment issues.”
Security footage from an undisclosed location allegedly shows a figure matching Day’s description attempting to eavesdrop while wearing a fake mustache that “radiated metaphysical intent but not realism.” The same footage appears to show him tripping over a folding chair, knocking over a display of quartz, and apologizing profusely before attempting to resume surveillance.
In perhaps the most ambitious effort to date, Day is said to have commissioned a “scrying-based intelligence initiative,” involving multiple mirrors, a fog machine, and what one participant described as “a level of theatrical lighting usually reserved for stage magicians and weather forecasts.” The session reportedly yielded a single, frustratingly consistent result: Auryn “being generally well-adjusted.”
Experts say the lack of findings is unprecedented. “In my professional opinion, it is statistically improbable for any public figure to have this little gossip,” said one occult commentator. “At minimum, we expect a questionable haircut phase or a strongly worded Reddit post.”
Day, reached for comment, maintained a tone of controlled determination. “I am not saying there is nothing there,” he stated, adjusting what sources confirmed was his third pair of sunglasses indoors. “I am simply saying it is…extremely well hidden. Possibly by powerful wards. Or excellent boundaries.”
Meanwhile, Auryn has reportedly continued his work, teaching, writing, and existing in what observers describe as “a deeply inconvenient state of personal integrity.” Attempts to provoke a reaction—including a mysteriously sent fruit basket labeled “DO SOMETHING INTERESTING”—have thus far failed.
At press time, Day was said to be exploring “one last lead” involving a dramatically overcomplicated plan with blueprints, a grappling hook, and what sources insist is “absolutely not necessary for obtaining gossip about a meditation teacher.”
Officials confirm they will continue monitoring the situation, primarily out of curiosity regarding how much further it can escalate before someone suggests simply asking Auryn directly.
